Burn it down.

Let it be known to one and all that we here at Pens Broads absolutely despise bandwagon, fair-weather fans. This topic was already discussed by your friend and mine, the always amazing Damian over at Pens Universe, but I'd like to take the time now to let off a little steam concerning both tonight's Game 4 and the Bandwagon Pestilence.


"We lost the first two games, waaaaah, the team looked horrible, boo-hoo, if they lose the Cup this year I won't watch them anymore." "Fleury's been letting in such stupid goals, he's a terrible goalie." "I'm wearing a Pens shirt but still don't know what an icing call is! Look at me, doesn't this Pens shirt look AWESOME?" Does this sound like you or someone you know? If so, the following course of action is most appropriate. Take yourself or that somebody that you happen to know to the pinnacle of the Highmark building and fling yourself off.


Seriously.


If you're a true, bred-in-the-bone Pittsburgh Penguins fan, you'll love them and be absolutely batshit about them even if they lose the Cup this year (which, you know, isn't gonna happen. Pens in 7). How many teams have made it to the Stanley Cup Finals two years running? How many teams have talent that has the entire hockey world abuzz? How many teams have Evgeni Fucking Malkin? We are THE BEST TEAM IN THE NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE. It pisses me off to no end to hear this whiny bitch-and-moan from people who don't even really understand a damn thing about hockey to begin with. These bandwagoners are the type who are only in Pens fever because we made it to the final -- it's almost a given that they did not watch a single regular season game. The extent of their Penguins knowledge is that a big fluffy penguin is our mascot. (By the way, his name is Iceburgh, you assbag fairweathers.)



Two scenarios for the fakes out there. One: we win. Their reaction will be something along the lines of "OMFG I KNEW IT I LOVED THE PENS ALL ALONG I REALLY LIKE CROSBY AND THAT FRENCH DUDE WHO PLAYS GOALIE." Two: we lose. Reaction on their part? "OMFG I KNEW IT I HATED THE PENS ALL ALONG I REALLY HATE CROSBY AND THAT FRENCH DUDE WHO PLAYS GOALIE."


You know what? I'd rather you not watch hockey than pretend to be a fan. Having limited hockey knowledge is fine -- I mean, everyone has to start somewhere. Enthusiasm for the game and a love of the Pens is fantastic and I encourage it completely! However, having limited hockey knowledge, and having no desire to learn anything about the game, and only watching games because you think it makes you look cool is a dumbfuck move. Go watch cheerleading.


And now, on to more serious matters.

I hope the Child-Touchers have all paid their insurance premiums for the month, because I say with all certainty that the Pens are going to curbstomp the shit out of them tonight. We're still fired up from Tuesday's gigantinormous 4 - 2 victory, but we've also got the deadly knowledge that tonight is, as they say, a must-win game. And once again, they're in our house. With our fans against them. Penguins fans aren't called the greatest fans in hockey for no reason. One of the primary reasons we are referred to as such is that we don't have octopi keeping our genitalia warm throughout the first 40 minutes of play. (Must be the tentacle-suckers. Probably the only sexual stimulation a Wings fan ever receives.) The Igloo is a powerhouse of energy, it's unstoppable and irrepressable. There is no other venue like it in the league.



And they've gotta get through it again. Doubtful? That's what I said.



In the immortal words of China Jack, the Pens continue to dominate. We will dominate tonight, dominate game 5, game 6, game 7. And all you fair-weathers out there can eat a bag of herpes cake.


LET'S GO PENS.